Random acts of guy-ness

No offense to my male friends, and Im' not trying to be snotty but some men are strange. I just don't get it sometimes. Perhaps it's the blond-hair and blue eyes that drives them to temporary moments of insanity... Oh Wait, one guy actually told me it was indeed my blond hair and blue eyes.

Anyway, some men are just absolutely strange and I have the stories to prove it. Liz and I were talking about this and I decided I had enough stories for the "Random Acts of Guy-ness blog." I'll use pseudonyms to protect any identity. However, if one of the stories sounds a bit too familiar... take a hint and consider some new dating tactics please.

Maybe some of you guys can explain these behaviors to me but for now I'm just confused. Again I'm starting as far back as I can remember and working my way to present day. Just some examples of what NOT to do....

DONT:
1) Hit on a 14 year old in the mall when she is with her mom.
I was 13, maybe 14 and with my mom. Okay, so right there any normal person knows that you do not hit on the young girl who is with her mother. Well, I guess the blue eyes caused some temporary insanity for the first time. As I started, I was with my mom in McDonald's in the mall. This guy turns around stops... and stands 2 feet in front of me, looks at me in the eyes for 30 seconds, . I'm thinking "wtf is this guy looking at?" and he says "Do you wear contacts?" I reply "no" and (here it comes the worst pickup line ever) right in front of my mom he says "Good, because it would be a real shame if your eyes weren't real." Thank god mom still remembers that cuz she'll never let me forget. Thanks random McDonald's guy.

tip: don't hit on 14 year-olds when they are with their mother.

2) Follow her around the Met until she has to fake a friends phone call
When I was 20 I thought it would be so nice to enjoy a day alone at the Met. So on a day off from my internship I trekked over to the Met, made my nominal donation and started my solitary tour. Unfortunately—just as I was passing the Kiki Smith sculpture on the 2nd floor—I was spotted and from there on I was unable to dodge an unwanted companion. I did repeatedly say "I would like to just enjoy this by myself" and "I'll be going this way now." But it was like he just didn't hear me or something and I could not get rid of him. So, I decided I needed to leave for the day. (Sorry, Frederich Church I'll be back again soon). I faked a phone call and ran for the subway! Well the story does not end there. A few months later I was at the Virgin Mega store in Union Sq. looking for a friends CD. I looked up and on the other side of the CD rack was my Met friend staring back at me. He proceeded to yell at me over the CD rack for not calling him and giving him a wrong phone number. I ran away again. I guess in this case I'm just annoyed that I didn't get to finish my museum day or my cd shopping.

tip: learn to take a hint or learn to take a blatant NO. I think No means no in every language?

3) Chase after her, begging for her phone number
This one was pretty all around a lame move. I guess if you think you'll never see someone again and that solely based on looks—as she passes you by on her way to well anywhere—that you might be soul mates, go for it.

However, I was 20 (apparently that was the year to get random acts of guy-ness inflicted on me) and I was walking to the laundry mat and I hear someone running behind me. So I kinda duck like "OMG someone is coming up behind me in Brooklyn NY. Jesus am I about to get mugged for my laundry quarters?!"

It turns out some guy just wanted my phone number. No, I never got this guys name but he sure did scare the crap outta me for a bit.

Tip: Don't run up behind a girl to get her phone number she might think you're about to mug her.

4) Declare utter contempt and hate for her occupation while you're holding her backpack hostage.
This one is a doosey!

So I'm 20, yet again. Maybe it was the "new to NYC syndrome." Anyway, I was waiting for Jedd after our internship jobs and I was sitting in Washington Sq. Park. It was a nice summer day and a film/photography student comes up to me to talk.

He was interesting enough so I agree to go have a glass of wine with him. We went to a place on MacDougal St. and got a glass of wine as we were leaving my backpack's zipper broke. (Okay here is one very dumb girl moment). Instead of just saying "bye, thanks for the drink I'm going home" I agreed to let him put my broken backpack in his apt. doh!!!!!

So, then we went for a walk and ended up like way down by battery park, from Washington Sq to battery park is quite the walk. I must note that he was normal until we headed back to NYU area. We started to talk about artists and he told me he "hated all artists of any kind!"

BTW I'm an artist. So that was kinda awkward.

finally!!! an hour later I had my backpack back in my possession and for some odd reason the guy thought I wouldn't call him even though he gave me his phone number so he basically begged me to call him for 15 min right outside the 8th St. NW train stop... I assured him I'd call. ;-)

tip: Don't tell her you hate her occupation... and NEVER beg her to call you (I deleted his # the second I got to the subway platform.. ewe)

5) Acquire a "Bandanna" do
I should have known from his pick-up line that he was not the sharpest crayola in the box.
Anyway, when I met Mr. Bandanna, he said "oh does your cell phone take pictures" yes that was the pickup line. Anyway, he got my attention and later that night won me over by cooking some really great after bar food.

I ended up dating Mr. Bandanna for 7 months and the whole time he wore either a hat or a bandanna... AT ALL TIMES!!!

Naturally, I tried to take his hat off once or twice and he told me that he had recently gotten a bad haircut from a drunken friend. mm hmmm.

Well I found out the truth after I broke it off. I was speaking with a guy friend and he said "Oh you broke up with that guy? Good. He used to lie to his ex-girlfriend about stuff." Intrigued, I said "like what kind of stuff?" he replied "oh, like he'd wear a toupee and lie about it, he told her it wasn't a toupee"

tip: don't hide baldness and tell her it's from a "bad haircut," we don't mind as long as you don't hide it.

6) Get caught sighing on her voice mail
oh dear oh dear. I actually liked this guy at one point. Oh well, I guess the longer I hold out the crazier they get.

If you are looking to impress a girl, do NOT repeatedly call her at the very last minute and try to visit her apartment. It's just not appropriate. But alas, some guy thought I would be down with it after just meeting him on the train. So, after telling him several times, I'd rather just meet at a bar or lounge or anywhere but my apartment, this guy still didn't give up. So I had to stop answering his phone calls.

Anyway, I may have even given him another chance except the last time he called he "accidentally" left a voice mail of him sighing... that's it just a "ughhhhh" over the fact I didn't answer. Sorry man.

tip: You can sigh when being rejected, just don't get caught.

7) Stop your vehicle in the middle of park avenue to acquire a phone number
First of all it's not very safe. Second of all it makes you look like a crazy person. Nonetheless, I guess age has no effect on who will and who won't do crazy things to get a girl's attention.

One cold NY day this older man (who had a very appropriate name actually) just needed to get my number so badly he almost ran over the median (and me) in his SUV. I mean c'mon I know blond hair is a little rare in NY but really I'm not that distracting. So please do not endanger the public or your safety in an attempt to get a girls number.

tip: Driving rules still apply even if a girl crosses the street in front of you.

8) Declare love for her hair and eye color in a voice mail
I was 26 in the park after a long long weekend of school. I didn't even have any makeup on. I was wearing torn jeans and a U.S.M.C. hooded sweatshirt. His pickup line was "Can I sit here?" I didn't care where he sat because I was just done with a long weekend of grad-school and enjoying having nothing to do (really I didn't know what to do with myself). I had a boyfriend and even mentioned my bf at the time but I guess he didn't care.

I never spoke with this guy again but I was duped into thinking he was normal and I did share my phone # with him after a few "normal" emails (shit). So, one night I got a voicemail that states... " I have feelings for you and 50% of it has to do with your hair color, another 20% of it is your eye color and the rest of it is your personality..."

tip: hair color and eye color are not good enough reasons to be head-over-heels.

So that is it. Perhaps one of you gentlemen can explain it all. Or not. either way it's kinda funny.
Na' night and I really hope girls are not this crazy but I have a feeling some are.